We Date Disposable People
I have a theory: I think that for the most part, we only date people who we deem disposable.
That sounds awful, but let me give it context. How many times have you felt in your heart that your ideal partner is also your closest friend? How many times has that exact qualification disqualified that person? I’ve been told several times that I’m “too good of a friend,” and someone didn’t want to run the risk of losing me if something were to happen, but not work out. Flattery aside, how is that supposed to make me feel? If the person with the best resume is the person you’re least willing to pursue, what does it say about the people you do decide to date? My answer: we only date people we can do without.
Calling anyone “disposable” has a harsh sound to it, but let’s be real. We come into contact with a lot of disposable people in our lifetime. People who serve their purpose for an allotted amount of time, and when that time is up, there’s no real loss. There are so many coworkers that have been near and dear to my heart, but when I left the job, I never spoke to them again. Same goes for friends and past lovers. A lot of people are inconsequential — you can take them or leave them. That doesn’t make you a bad person; it makes you real. Not everyone is going to be your best friend, your soulmate, or the love of your life; in fact, most people aren’t. I think we all know this. However, when it becomes a romantic question, people are a lot more willing to temporarily invest in something just to pass the time.
I already have a lot of opinions on dating, but this is a very specific issue. How often do we know nothing is likely to happen, and we’re pretty much alright with it? I know that not everyone out here is dating for love and marriage (the morale of the dating world has been suffering for quite some time now), but doesn’t that make all of these in-between lovers ultimately disposable? And then there’s the entire set of people that I've only befriended with intentions of dating them later on. Those people were automatically disposable to me too. I am a person with a lot of not exes because we never actually became official; aren’t they all disposable? Wasn’t I disposable too?
It’s imperative to separate this concept from anything regarding your self worth, or the worth of those around you. I mean, these people aren’t worthless to me. I cared about them and enjoyed the time we spent together, but I’m not agonizing over the end of the relationship. At most, these things are just blips in my memory and I might be butt hurt about it for two weeks, max. We move on so easily because we are disposable to one another.
Friends for a season, reason, or a lifetime, right? How come those two phrases never really coexist? Why do we basically separate people into these categories of keepsakes and goodwill donations? There are some people you’re willing to try things out with, but are ultimately okay with never talking to again. There’s little to no damage done. No harm no foul. We are intentionally wasting our time. My question is why won’t we pursue things that have proven to be good for us? What are we afraid of? I think that a lot of the time, people are just afraid of securing a good thing. To some degree, we are all prefaced by our ephemerality.
Face it, no one wants a temporary friend. In fact, when done correctly, we typically choose friends who are not temporary or disposable. Often times, we look to our friends as those constant pillars to get us through the ebb and flow of our relationships. That’s the philosophy behind bros before hos and chicks before dicks; it’s all rooted in the same idea that your friends should persist through anything. That’s why friend breakups hurt so much worse.
Now in this specific situation, the stakes are not as high. I understand that the fear of rejection plays a major role in the reason why we don’t pursue a lot of things. If it’s a one-way crush where you’ve fallen in love with your best friend, and it’s clear that they see you as a brother or a sister, that isn’t what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the people who are in the “I’m down if you are” territory. The people who wouldn’t cross the line, but have definitely thought about it before. The people who keep their feelings hidden for fear that verbalizing anything would make things weird. But consider this, assuming it’s a perfect situation where you’re both attracted, you both have feelings, and the circumstances are just right, what comes next?
Most of the time, absolutely nothing.
If you have said it out loud and they’ve reciprocated, odds are one of you has decided it’s too risky and that the obvious answer is that nothing should happen!
Because that makes sense.
I have been in this situation several times, although I’m usually the rejectee and rarely the rejector. It isn’t to say that it hasn’t happened before. Sometimes, I think people hide behind the facade of being “too close in a friendship” to justify not having romantic feelings at all. It’s a less hurtful way of admitting that you’re just not that into someone, and that’s fine. But I think it’s worth thinking about for the ones in which that does not apply. For those who have grown into a very delicate, deeply intimate friendship, what is the problem?
As I’m starting to become more emboldened in speaking up when I like someone, I’ve just been having a lot of thoughts. I’m at the point where I’m willing to call it how I see it and to chase what I think is worth my while. I get the reservations, though. That’s what I’m still growing from. I think this is a call to action of sorts. When you think about it, what’s really holding you back? I could no longer justify it for myself; can you?
